How to Train Your Assertiveness: Practical Keys to Improving Your Relationships

What is Assertive Communication?

The widely accepted best form of communication that is encouraged for couples to express in the marriage and family therapy field is assertive communication. Contrary to popular mainstream belief, assertive communication is not forceful. In order for communication to be considered assertive it must be direct, honest and take into account the emotions, thoughts and beliefs of the person communicating and those of the people they are communicating with.

An example of assertive communication would be to say to your partner “I am upset by how this situation unfolded. I’d love for us to talk about our experiences of what happened and figure out how we can resolve the situation together.” The communication is assertive because it clearly states the intention of the other person in a respectful way.

There’s a common misconception that assertive communication is the same as brutal honesty.What separates assertive communication from other communication types is the level of care that is considered when crafting responses that are mindful of all the parties in the communication exchange. 

The 3 Dominant Communication Styles to Avoid

You want to avoid exhibiting aggressive, passive and passive aggressive communication patterns.

1. Aggressive communication

Aggressive communication is considered to be direct but it does not take into account the beliefs, thoughts and feelings of the other person. It is often harsh, forceful and can be considered brutal honesty.

It prioritizes the communicator without considering the other person that is being communicated with. Passive communication prioritizes the other person's beliefs, thoughts, and feelings but not one’s own.

This communication style is commonly exhibited by people who tend to be perfectionists and people pleasers.

What it looks like

An example of an aggressive communication statement would be saying “I can’t stand the way you handled the situation. You’re a bad communicator”. Although these two statements reflect honest ways that the person stating them may truly feel, they are highly critical of the other person’s character and inner qualities.

Aggressive communication can be improved by reminding yourself that it can be counter productive to attack the other person. Your goal when communicating with your partner should be to remain curious about understanding them and creating a dynamic that doesn’t feel chaotic to either person.

2. Passive communication

Passive communicators may not bring up the situation at all or when the other person brings a situation up they may say something like “I know the conversation went bad, it was my fault”.

Passive communicators often take a stance of avoidanceand would much rather allow the other person to lead the flow of conversation. On the surface this may appear like the person is taking responsibility for their actions but when someone has a pattern of avoidance, they resist taking full responsibility for a situation they themselves are also responsible for.

What it looks like

Most passive communicators communicate themselves this way unintentionally. A passive communicator's primary intention is typically to “keep the peace” in a relationship. However, when striving to do so, they undermine important aspects of communication that have the potential to create. a safer, more intimate and healthier bond in which both people feel comfortable fully expressing themselves.

If this is your dominant communication style, it is helpful to remember yourself that you and your partner most likely had a role in previous conversations that did not end well, rather than one person being the blame for the conversation.

3. Passive-aggressive communication

Passive-aggressive communication combines both aggressive and passive qualities of communication. The communication is passive because it is not direct. It is considered aggressive because passive aggressive statements often involve condescension, criticism, sarcasm and other contemptuous qualities that are destructive in long term relationships.

This style of communication prioritizes the communicator without taking into account the feelings of the other person.

What it looks like

Passive aggressive communicators might say “It would be nice if I knew how you felt”. This lacks clarity and directness. A more direct statement would be to say what this person really wants which is “ I want to know how you feel. What are you feeling?”.

They also avoid saying what is most prevalent in their mind and often have an unspoken expectation for the other person to understand what they mean without actually saying what they mean. Sometimes this communication pattern can lead to frustration for both partners.

It’s important to remember that regardless of how much you and your partner care for one another, you are not mind readers. Therefore, an area to improve in your relationship could be to prioritize communicating what is unspoken. Passive aggressive communication can strongly lower the self esteem of the person on the receiving end of a passive aggressive statement.

Tips to Improve Your Communication

Let's lay down some general rules for fighting fair. When having a conversation, you should make sure to maintain a positive attitude as much as possible. It is always a good practice to get yourself into a positive mindset before you approach a conversation.

If you start the conversation off with negative body language, tone of voice, or facial expressions, your partner will respond and this will set the stage for a negative interaction. It's also a great rule to make an effort to understand your partner. Actively listen to them when they share their thoughts and opinions and they should do the same for you.

A final rule is making sure that you do not use intentionally harmful language. This is why I recommend making sure you regulate your emotions before having a conversation. If you're feeling strong emotions, trust that they may show in your body language whether you want it to or not.

You also want to make sure to have a conversation when both of you are ready and willing to listen to each other. Another good rule to follow is to remain mindful about the intensity level of the request you’re making. Some ways to manage the intensity level of your communication is to use gentle eye contact, practice deep breathing, and think before you speak and respond to them.

Avoid interrupting your partner. You want to create a space that is comfortable so that your partner will feel safe to share their thoughts and be vulnerable with you. Set the stage for an important conversation by laying out the ground rules. Let your partner know that you value what they have to say and want to hear their thoughts. Then show up true to your word. In order for them to share they have to feel safe with you.

You should also make sure that the way you communicate is encouraging for someone to want to share and remember that goes well beyond your words. Don’t dominate the conversation. Give your partner time to share their thoughts, think and process the information that you’re sharing. Your partner may not be able to process their words as quickly as you can.

If you’re revisiting a conversation, avoid criticizing your partner. Respect boundaries and limits to what they share. Vulnerability takes time. Your partner may have boundaries around what they are ready to tell you. Respect their boundaries.You also want to make sure that you make it a personal goal for yourself to remain kind when you talk to your partner. Feeling anger and other emotions is not a justification for bad behavior. 

How to approach difficult conversations and discuss needs

1. Start with “I” Statements Instead of Blame

One way to approach conversations with your partner is by using “I” statements. Often people start conversations by blaming the other person and using the word “you”. Using this word has major implications for how the rest of the conversation will unravel.

Using “you” sets the stage for blame and criticism which are highly destructive. When talking about something that is bothering you in the relationship, be careful not to talk about your partner’s character. This is incredibly hurtful and often will end in a negative direction. Instead, tell your partner exactly what it is that is bothering you without attacking them. When someone feels attacked, the likelihood that they will become defensive is likely imminent.

2. Express What You Need

To avoid this, be sure to express your desires by stating specifically what it is that you need. Healthy relationships require both partners to state their wants and desires. Again just remember as you grow and change so will your needs.

Don't focus on talking about what you don’t want. Saying what you don't want doesn’t give the other person clarity to know what it is that you are exactly asking for. The more specific and clear that you can be in making your request, especially when expressing your needs, makes it more likely that the other person will work towards meeting your need.

3. Prepare and Acknowledge Positives

When bringing up specifics about what you desire, acknowledge things that your partner is already doing well. It can be helpful practice to take a couple minutes to write down what you want to say before you even approach the conversation. This ensures that you start your conversations with these elements in a tangible way that makes sense to you and that is true.

When discussing your needs and asking for something that you want, start by saying “I feel”. Be specific about what feeling you are experiencing.

4. Avoid Misusing “I Feel” Statements

Too often, couples use I feel statements as a way to express something they don't like about their partner. An example of that would be saying something like “I feel like you just don't understand me”. Understanding is not an emotion. This statement is much more of a judgement and criticism than an expression of a need.

Another bad example of expressing needs or desires would be to say “I need you to be a better listener”. Although you may be right that your partner is not being receptive to you at the moment, this phrase is an expression of criticism.

5. Apply These Tools in Everyday Situations

These tools can be used in multiple contexts such as with sex, discussing chores you want done around the house, and many other situations.

Healthy partners make the effort to respond to these requests. Though there is one caveat to this rule. It’s important that when requests are made to you, they are things that you feel comfortable doing and needs that you feel comfortable meeting. Suppose your partner, makes a request that makes you uncomfortable. You are not obligated to meet that need just because you are in a relationship.

References

Maloney, M. E., & Moore, P. (2019). From aggressive to assertive. International journal of women's dermatology, 6(1), 46–49.  https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijwd.2019.09.006

Omura, M., Levett-Jones, T., & Stone, T. E. (2018). Evaluating the impact of an assertiveness communication training programme for Japanese nursing students: A quasi-experimental study. Nursing open, 6(2), 463–472.  https://doi.org/10.1002/nop2.228

Princeton University. (2025). Understanding Your Communication Style. Princeton University.  https://umatter.princeton.edu/respect/tools/communication-styles