Can You Love Someone Without Sexual Desire?

Talking about love and sexual desire as if they were the same thing is one of the biggest misconceptions we still carry into romantic relationships. I see this constantly in therapy. It’s very common to hear phrases like “If I don’t desire my partner anymore, maybe I don’t love them” or “If I love my partner, why don’t I feel like having sex?”

Valentine’s Day often holds up a mirror to our relationships. It’s the time of year when expectations around love, passion, and intimacy skyrocket. But what happens when love is present, yet sexual desire is missing? Does that automatically mean something is wrong?

The reality is that loving without desire is not only possible, but quite common, especially in long-term relationships. And no, it doesn’t necessarily mean the relationship is broken, that there’s emotional infidelity, or that something is “wrong” with either partner.

As a psychosexologist, I want to explain why love and desire don’t always go hand in hand, what science says about it, and how understanding this difference can help you experience your relationships with less guilt and more clarity.

Love and Desire Are Not the Same: What Happens in the Brain

One of the key elements to understanding whether you can love someone without feeling desire lies in the brain. Although culturally we tend to merge them, love and sexual desire activate different neural systems.

Two Different Neural Systems: Desire vs Attachment

Sexual desire is primarily linked to dopaminergic systems, which are associated with motivation, novelty, and anticipation. It’s the drive that pushes us toward experiences we want to pursue.

Love as attachment, on the other hand, is more closely related to oxytocin and vasopressin—hormones involved in bonding, trust, and emotional security.

This explains why, over time, the intensity of desire may decrease while emotional bonding remains strong or even deepens. This isn’t a dysfunction; it’s a neurobiological adaptation.

In fact, research in affective neuroscience shows that long-term relationships often transition from passionate love to attachment-based love without necessarily leading to relationship dissatisfaction (Acevedo et al., 2012).

Why You Can Love Someone Without Feeling Sexual Desire

When we talk about loving someone without feeling desire—especially in stable, long-term relationships—several factors often come together.

Habituation, Routine, and Loss of Novelty in Long-Term Relationships

The human brain responds more strongly to novelty. Routine, cohabitation, and predictability reduce activation in the reward system associated with sexual desire.

Stress, Mental Load, and Life Stages That Affect Libido

Work stress, mental overload, health issues, hormonal changes, or demanding life stages can all directly affect libido—without diminishing love.

Emotional Intimacy Without Erotic Connection

Many couples maintain a strong emotional bond while completely neglecting erotic intimacy. They share responsibilities, worries, and affection, but erotic space slowly disappears.

In this sense, loving without desire is rarely an individual “failure”. More often, it’s the result of relational and contextual dynamics that go unnoticed or unaddressed.

Does Lack of Sexual Desire Mean Relationship Problems or Infidelity?

One of the biggest concerns around loving someone without desire is fidelity. There’s a widespread belief that if desire disappears within the relationship, it will inevitably appear elsewhere.

Scientific evidence paints a more nuanced picture. Sexual desire can be directed toward others even when a strong emotional bond exists with a primary partner. This doesn’t invalidate love, but it does challenge the traditional idea of exclusive desire.

Fidelity doesn’t depend solely on desire. It’s shaped by agreements, shared values, communication, and emotional responsibility. A lack of desire doesn’t automatically predict infidelity, but it can be a sign that intimacy and emotional care within the relationship need attention.

How Body Image and Sexual Health Influence Sexual Desire

Another often-overlooked factor when discussing love without desire is the relationship with one’s own body. Certain factors act as protective mechanisms that lower libido.

Physical and Emotional Factors That Inhibit Desire

• Physical changes and body insecurity

• Discomfort or pain during sex

• Unsatisfying past sexual experiences

• Feeling disconnected from or uncomfortable in your body

Here, the bodily experience of intimacy plays a crucial role. When we don’t feel comfortable in our bodies or feel we haven’t taken care of them, insecurity increases and desire struggles to emerge.

Feeling Disconnected From Your Body and Its Impact on Libido

The more we care for ourselves, the better. Paying attention to the skin, physical sensations, and comfort during intimacy can reduce tension and help the body become receptive to desire again.

Creating shared self-care rituals—such as sensual touch, massage, or using high-quality intimate products—can foster comfort, sensitivity, and complicity, opening the door to rebuilding shared intimacy.

Loving Without Desire Doesn’t Mean Desire Can’t Return

One of the most common mistakes is thinking that desire works like an on/off switch. In reality, desire is dynamic. It changes depending on context, relationship dynamics, and life stage.

In many couples, desire doesn’t disappear—it becomes inhibited. Often this happens due to accumulated factors like stress, lack of communication, unsatisfying sexual experiences, fear of disappointing a partner, or pressure to “want” sex.

That’s why addressing desire often means stopping the pursuit of desire itself and instead creating conditions that allow it to re-emerge:

• Emotional safety

• Reduced self-pressure

• Reintroducing playfulness and non-goal-oriented touch

Spontaneous Desire vs Responsive Desire: A Key Concept in Sexology

Sexology has introduced a key concept to understand why someone can love without feeling libido: the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire.

Why Spontaneous Desire Is Not the Only “Normal” Form of Desire

Appears “out of nowhere,” without prior stimulation. It’s often considered the norm, especially in early relationship stages.

How Responsive Desire Works in Long-Term Relationships

Emerges in response to pleasurable stimulation once intimacy has already begun. In other words, desire follows arousal, not the other way around.

Many people—especially in long-term relationships—stop experiencing spontaneous desire but retain a full capacity for enjoyment when intimacy unfolds without pressure. Understanding this distinction reduces unnecessary distress and allows for a more realistic view of intimacy.

When Loving Without Sexual Desire Causes Emotional Distress

Although loving without desire can be normal, there are situations that deserve attention.

Signs That the Lack of Desire Is Affecting Your Well-Being

• Lack of desire causes significant personal suffering

• Ongoing conflict or deep emotional disconnection

• Sex feels obligatory, fearful, or is consistently avoided

• The situation affects sexual health and overall well-being
  
  

In these cases, the goal isn’t to force desire but to understand what’s blocking it. Therapeutic work focuses more on emotional and relational context than on techniques. Desire doesn’t return through instructions, but through changes in how we relate.

Conclusion: This Valentine’s Day, See Your Relationship from a New Perspective

Answering whether you can love someone without desire requires moving beyond binary thinking. Yes, it’s possible to deeply love without feeling sexual desire at certain moments in life. And no, that doesn’t automatically make a relationship a failure.

This Valentine’s Day, instead of focusing on expectations about what love or desire should look like, we can take the opportunity to reflect on what’s truly happening in our relationships. The challenge isn’t forcing desire to behave consistently, but listening to what its absence might be telling us.

Sometimes it speaks of exhaustion. Sometimes of routine. Sometimes of bodily disconnection. And sometimes simply of being in a different life stage. Understanding this allows us to care more thoughtfully for our relationships, our bodies, and our emotional health.

References

Acevedo, B. P., Aron, A., Fisher, H. E., & Brown, L. L. (2012). Neural correlates of long-term intense romantic love. Social cognitive and affective neuroscience, 7(2), 145–159. https://doi.org/10.1093/scan/nsq092

Basson R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women's problematic low sexual desire. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi.org/10.1080/713846827

Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. HarperCollins.