SEXUAL STANDSTILL AND HOW TO OVERCOME IT

Sexual breaks are more common than we think , and many people experience them at some point in their lives. From my perspective as a sexologist, I consider it a more delicate subject than we think, as it can generate quite a lot of insecurities and discomfort in bed (and out of it).

However, despite the fact that it can be considered a taboo subject, since it is not usually talked about with friends or close people, we all go through this stage at least once in our lives . That's why in this article, I'm going to focus on breaking down the most common reasons for the breaks and providing effective strategies for overcoming them.

What is a sexual standstill and why does it happen?

A sexual standstill refers to a period of time in which we experience a decrease or absence of sexual activity, either as a couple or alone. Although many men cannot explain it, it is important to always remember that our sexuality is not linear; it is influenced by physical, emotional and contextual factors. What does this mean?

Most people tend to think that what happens in bed, stays in bed. But some of the most common causes of a sexual standstill include work stress, communication problems in the couple, hormonal changes , physical illnesses, and emotional disorders such as anxiety or depression. Sometimes even events such as the birth of a child or a move can alter sexual desire. Moreover, these factors often go hand in hand, so the effect they have on your sexual desire is enhanced or diminished depending on each particular situation. 

How a sexual standstill affects our mental and emotional health

The impact of a sexual standstill is very different depending on the person and the relationship they are in. Some people live it naturally, while others may feel guilt, frustration or even fear that this situation is permanent. But don't worry, most of the time it is a parenthesis that you need in your life to dedicate attention and take care of yourself a little more.

From an emotional point of view, the lack of sexual activity is often a source of conflict and disconnection in the couple, feeding feelings of insecurity or rejection. In individual cases, the absence of sexual activity often affects self-esteem, since sexual pleasure is also linked to the perception of our body and our sexual identity.

Identifying the reasons behind your sexual standstill

To overcome a sexual standstill, the first thing to do is to identify what is causing it. To do this, we should start by doing some introspection and communication with your partner (if you are in a relationship). These are key tools in this process, but we should also take into account:

1. Stress and lifestyle : we live in a world that often prioritizes productivity over well-being. Stress is definitely a big enemy of sexual desire. If you notice that you are constantly tired or disconnected, you may need to rethink your priorities and devote more time to yourself.
   
   

2. Relationship problems : Lack of desire can be a symptom of underlying conflicts - are there unresolved resentments, do you feel listened to and valued by your partner?
   
   

3. Physical and hormonal factors: some of the factors that can influence libido are hormonal changes, illness or certain medications. If you suspect a medical factor is involved, it may be time to consult a specialist.

Strategies to reconnect with your sexuality

Overcoming a sexual standstill does not happen overnight, but with patience and some strategies that I am going to give you, it is possible to regain your sexual desire.

1. Open and honest communication

At first, talking about sexuality with your partner is uncomfortable, especially if you haven't had the habit before. But it is essential to understand each other's expectations and needs. So, share how you feel, avoiding blaming the other. In fact, in couples therapy, we often work on how to build a safe space for these conversations.

2. Revalue foreplay

The key is to redefine the concept of sexuality. We often associate sexuality exclusively with penetration,  but physical contact, massages, kisses and caresses are also expressions of intimacy.  Have you ever tried it?

3. Take time for yourself

Another great way to rediscover what you like is through self-exploration. Practice masturbation without pressure and value some resources and tools such as meditation or mindfulness to reduce stress and increase connection with your body.

The role of sex therapy in sexual standstills

If you think you can't overcome the sexual break on your own, consider getting professional help. Sex therapy will help you to create a space where you can discuss and work through your blocks and develop personalized strategies.

In consultation, techniques such as sensory focus exercises are used, which allow the couple, or the person going in individually, to regain the connection to pleasure without the pressure of “having to function” . In addition, some models of therapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, are often helpful and very effective in identifying negative thoughts that are affecting your desire.

Lifestyle changes that can make all the difference

Sometimes, to make big changes, you don't need to make big efforts and it's enough to make small adjustments in your day-to-day life. From improving your diet and exercising to unplugging your electronic devices before bedtime, it all adds up to create an environment more conducive to intimacy.

1. Prioritize self-care: Have you tried reducing stress by including moments of relaxation in your daily routine? I can assure you that this will help you increase your libido.

2. Reclaim spontaneity: planning moments for intimacy is fine, but it's also important to leave room for spontaneity. Surprise your partner with a romantic gesture or just do something different together.

Normalizing the sexual standstill

Finally, I want to emphasize that sexual standstills are a natural part of our lives. We should not feel ashamed or pressured to meet external expectations. Recovering your sexuality is a process, and every step counts.

The most important thing is to understand that these moments can be an opportunity to deepen your self-knowledge and your relationship with your partner. From this perspective, a sexual standstill can become a springboard to a more fulfilling and enriching intimate life.

References

1. Basson, R. (2001). Human sex-response cycles: Describing the dual control model. Journal of Sex Research.

2. Masters, W.H., & Johnson, V.E. (1966). Human Sexual Response. Little, Brown.

3. Brotto, L.A., & Kleinplatz, P.J. (2021). Mindfulness and sexual well-being. Sexual and Relationship Therapy.

4. Kaplan, H.S. (1979). Disorders of Sexual Desire and Other New Concepts and Techniques in Sex Therapy. Brunner/Mazel.

5. Organización Mundial de la Salud (OMS). (2021). Salud sexual: un enfoque para mejorar la calidad de vida.