Am I Gay If I Fantasise About Men?

We live in a time when we can talk about sexuality like never before. Thanks to struggles and advances, everything related to our sexual identity and intimate relationships have gradually ceased to be considered stigmatised and have become a topic of great interest and relevance for experts and ordinary people. But human sexuality is as diverse as it is complex.

Throughout our lives, we may experience desires, curiosities and fantasies that sometimes surprise or even baffle us. One of the most common questions - and also one of the most difficult to address without judgement - is: am I gay if I fantasise about men? And since the answer is as complex as the root of the question, in this article we are going to analyse this question from the perspective of psychology and sexology, debunking myths, explaining key concepts and offering you the answer you deserve.

Fantasy vs. Orientation: they are not the same

One of the main mistakes is to confuse sexual fantasies with sexual orientation. Fantasising about a situation, a body or a practice does not necessarily imply wanting to experience it in reality. In many cases, fantasies fulfil a psychological function of exploration, arousal or release, without needing to be translated into action.

In fact, how many fantasies that you have or have had in your life have you felt the real urge to act out, and how many of those fantasies that you have acted out have ended up pleasing you as much as they did in your mind?

If we look at sexual orientation, we refer to an emotional, romantic and/or sexual attraction that is maintained in a more or less stable way over time towards one or more genders. Although it is true that our orientation is not rigid and can change, it is usually less fluid than our fantasies. Thus, someone can have a homosexual fantasy without it defining their orientation as gay. Similarly, a heterosexual person can occasionally fantasise about someone of the same sex without it invalidating their identity as a straight person.

The Role of Curiosity and Non-normative Desire

As we mentioned in the previous point, sexuality does not always respond to fixed structures. Many people explore in their imagination situations that do not fit with their usual identity. This exploration is not only natural, but also healthy if it is lived without guilt or anxiety. It is a way of ‘experiencing’ in our minds those things we cannot, do not want to or do not dare to do.

What happens to many men, however, is that the socialisation we experience tends to censor this type of curiosity more, associating it with a loss of ‘masculinity’ or an automatic change of orientation. This reinforces the fear that any thought outside the norm is evidence of being ‘less of a man’ or ‘repressed gay’. Reality, however, is much more fluid and less binary.

The Pressure of Premature Labelling

We live in a culture that needs to label and define everything. However, labels, although they can be useful tools of affirmation, are also often experienced as a source of pressure by some people. There are those who need to identify themselves as gay, bisexual, heteroflexible? And there are those who prefer not to name their desire, and that is also valid.

If you fantasise about men, the important thing is not so much the label as how you feel about these fantasies: do you like them, do they generate doubt or conflict, would you like to experience them? You may not have a clear answer, but the simple fact of giving space to this reflection in an honest and non-judgmental way can help you get to know yourself better without jumping to premature or forced conclusions.

Fantasy As a Mirror (and as a Refuge)

Experts in Sexology know that fantasies are also a reflection of the unconscious. Sometimes they express real desires, other times they serve as an escape route or symbolic representation of emotions, needs or past experiences. In fact, some people fantasise about power, submission, the forbidden or the unknown because they arouse something emotional or erotic, not necessarily because they want to live it literally. In many cases, fantasy is about having or experiencing the exact opposite of what they have, as if these desires were a way to ‘compensate’ for what they have in their day-to-day lives.

In this sense, fantasising about men can be seen as a way of exploring aspects of your identity that need to be acknowledged - and are not always linked to direct sexual desire. It may be admiration, projection or symbolic play. Or it may mean none of the above.

Conclusion: What You Feel Doesn't Need an Immediate Label

Fantasising about men doesn't automatically make you gay, just as fantasising about an affair doesn't make you unfaithful. Remember that in the world of fantasy, everything is allowed. The important thing to recognise is that desire does not always follow straight, predictable paths. One of the best keys I can recommend is to explore what you feel without fear or shame in order to live a freer, more honest and satisfying sexuality.

If your fantasies generate persistent doubts or discomfort, then it may be the perfect time to contact a therapist specialised in sexuality to help you understand your inner world without prejudice. Because in the end, it's not about fitting a label, it's about living your life authentically. And you, what fantasies do you have?

References

• Kaplan, H. S. (1974). The New Sex Therapy: Active Treatment of Sexual Dysfunctions. Brunner/Mazel.
• Baumeister R. F. (2000). Gender differences in erotic plasticity: the female sex drive as socially flexible and responsive. Psychological Bulletin, 126(3), 347–389. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.126.3.347
• Lehmiller, J. J. (2018). Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life. Da Capo Lifelong Books.
• Arrington, C. L. M., Stephenson, J., & Rothblum, E. D. (2009). Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women’s Love and Desire: Diamond, L. M., PhD. (2008). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press, 333 pp., ISBN: 978-0674032262. Journal of Gay & Lesbian Mental Health, 13(3), 227–228. https://doi.org/10.1080/19359700902897075