Male Sexual Desire Myths: Why Men Don’t Always Want Sex and Why It Matters

Written by: Andrés Suro

April 15, 2025

Time to read 5 min

For decades, many men have grown up with the cliché that a man should always be “in the mood.” This belief about male sexual desire is repeated in casual conversations, media narratives, and cultural references. But it’s not only false — it’s deeply harmful.

As a psychologist and sexologist, I see every day how this myth creates guilt, confusion, and a sense of personal failure. This is especially evident during emotionally challenging times of the year, such as Blue Monday, when mood dips and the body responds differently.

Talking about male desire from a realistic perspective means dismantling this simplistic narrative. Desire is not an automatic biological constant, but a complex phenomenon shaped by emotional state, life context, mental health, and personal circumstances. Understanding this doesn’t make you “less of a man” — it makes you more human.

Where Does the Myth That Men Always Want Sex Come From?

The idea that men “always want sex” is deeply rooted in our culture. Historically, men have been portrayed as impulsive, active, and always available, while female desire has been depicted as more fluctuating or conditional.

This division has consequences for everyone. From a male perspective, when desire fades, it’s often interpreted as a personal failure rather than a normal response to context.

In therapy, many men express thoughts like:

“Something is wrong with me”
“This isn’t normal for me”
“I should want it more”

The reality is that male sexual desire is not a switch that turns on automatically with external stimuli. It requires favorable internal conditions to emerge.

How Male Sexual Desire Really Works (According to Science)

Sexology experts know that desire doesn’t always appear spontaneously. In many cases — especially during periods of stress, fatigue, or low mood — desire is reactive, emerging only when a person feels safe, relaxed, and connected to their body.

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire: Two Normal Types of Male Desir

Problems arise when desire is expected to be present before any intimacy begins. This expectation creates blockage, because the body doesn’t respond well to constant self-pressure.

To break the cycle of anticipation and frustration, it’s important to understand male sexual desire as something dynamic and changeable, which can appear in two main ways:

Spontaneous desire: arises without prior stimulation, seemingly “automatically”
Responsive desire: emerges in response to a supportive context, emotional connection, or relaxation

Both are completely normal and valid.

Stress and Mental Health: Major Inhibitors of Male Sexual Desire

One of the strongest factors behind low sexual desire is chronic or sustained stress. Long workdays, job pressure, financial worries, or mental overload reduce the body’s ability to enter the states of connection required to enjoy intimacy.

Blue Monday and Sexual Well-being: How Mood Impacts Desire

This is where dates like Blue Monday, often labeled as the saddest day of the year, take on symbolic meaning. Regardless of how scientifically accurate the concept is, it reflects something real: at certain times of the year, mood drops, motivation declines, and desire follows.

Whether it’s Blue Monday, the end of winter, the return to routine after holidays, or another life stressor, when the body is in survival mode, intimacy is no longer a priority. That’s not a failure — it’s an adaptive response.

How Stress Blocks Male Libido and Sexual Response

When we’re stressed, the body releases cortisol, the stress hormone, which inhibits testosterone production and reduces sexual appetite. It’s a survival mechanism. If the brain perceives threat — even work or financial stress — resources are directed toward “survival,” not pleasure or reproduction.

The Emotional Impact of Low Sexual Desire in Men

A lack of desire is often experienced in silence. Many men don’t talk about it out of fear of judgment or disappointing their partner. This silence can lead to emotional isolation and, in some cases, lower self-esteem.

Male sexual desire is closely tied to identity. That’s why fluctuations are often felt not just as a bodily change, but as a threat to self-worth.

Breaking the Link Between Sexual Desire and Self-Worth

One of the most important therapeutic goals is to break this rigid link between desire and self-worth. Because not feeling desire does not mean:

You don’t love your partner
You’re not okay with yourself
You have a serious problem
You’re “less of a man”

It means you’re going through something that deserves attention, understanding, and — above all — normalization.

When Sexual Desire Changes in Long-Term Relationships

In long-term relationships, desire is not constant and rarely fluctuates at the same pace for both partners. This is completely normal, yet it’s often experienced with tension by at least one person.

When silence, misinterpretation, and fear of rejection are added, low desire can easily turn into conflict.

Why Talking About Sexual Desire Matters in Relationships

One of the best recommendations I can give as a psychologist and sexologist is simple: talk about it. Bringing male desire into open conversation with your partner moves it away from performance and into communication.

Being able to say “I’m not at my best right now” without it leading to misunderstandings is a learned skill. Couples who understand desire as flexible tend to navigate these phases far more smoothly.

Key Steps to Reconnect With Male Sexual Desire

1. Stop Chasing Sexual Desire

Paradoxically, the more you demand desire from yourself, the more blocked you become. This is known as sexual performance anxiety. Listening to your body, respecting its timing, and addressing emotional health is far more effective than forcing yourself.

2. Build Habits That Support Male Libido

Habits that improve overall wellbeing also support sexual desire:

Better sleep: quality rest regulates sexual hormones
Stress reduction: relaxation techniques, mindfulness, or physical activity
A healthier relationship with your body: acceptance and body awareness

Normalizing change: desire fluctuates — and that’s healthy

3. Give Your Body Permission Not to Be “On” All the Time

Your sexual desire doesn’t need pressure — it needs support. And above all, it needs permission not to always be present. This simple acceptance reduces anticipatory anxiety and often improves sexual response over time.

Each day it becomes clearer that male intimate wellbeing requires an integrated approach, where the body and emotional state are understood as one. In symbolic moments like Blue Monday, when mood dips and the body reflects it, having access to informed resources and specialized support can make a real difference.

At MYHIXEL, we work from this holistic perspective, helping men care for their intimate health with the understanding that improvements in this area directly enhance overall wellbeing and quality of life.

Conclusion: Sexual Desire Does Not Define Your Worth as a Man

The myth that men should always feel desire has caused more harm than we realize. It has created unrealistic expectations, uncomfortable silences, and unnecessary pressure — especially during emotionally sensitive periods or times of high stress.

So let this be clear: desire fluctuates. It’s influenced by mood, context, and mental health. It does not follow cultural mandates.

No, there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re simply human.

And if low sexual desire is affecting your wellbeing or your relationship, seeking professional support is a sign of strength — not weakness.

References

Bancroft, J., & Janssen, E. (2000). The dual control model of male sexual response: a theoretical approach to centrally mediated erectile dysfunction. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 24(5), 571–579.
https://doi.org/10.1016/S0149-7634(00)00024-5