Male self-esteem: how to boost your confidence in bed

Have you also noticed that you enjoy yourself more in bed when your self-esteem is higher? You're not alone. Self-esteem plays a fundamental role in every man's sex life. When we talk about feeling good, we have to mention the role of self-confidence—especially when it comes to what we do in bed. It doesn’t just affect sexual performance but also the quality of the experience and the emotional connection with your partner.

As a psychologist and sexologist, I often see how common factors like insecurity, fear of failure, or comparison with unrealistic standards impact men's sexual satisfaction and well-being. That’s why in this article, we will explore strategies to strengthen sexual self-esteem and improve confidence in intimacy.

Why does self-esteem have such a strong influence on a man’s sex life?

Earlier, I mentioned that self-esteem is a fundamental factor in enjoying intimate encounters. There’s actually a specific term for this: sexual self-esteem . This refers to a man's perception of his attractiveness, abilities, and performance in intimacy . A study published in European Urology (2007) found that men with high sexual self-esteem tend to experience greater satisfaction and desire in their relationships.

You might be wondering, "What is sexual self-esteem based on?" When confidence in bed is low, issues like performance anxiety, fear of rejection, or even avoiding sex altogether can arise. On the other hand, men who feel secure in themselves enjoy the experience more , focus on pleasure, and build deeper connections with their partners.

Myths about sexual performance that affect self-esteem

The unfortunate reality is that many men feel immense pressure to meet certain standards of "masculinity," which ultimately affect their confidence. In many cases, these standards are based on widely believed myths, including:

• "Size matters" : According to a study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine (2010), most partners consider factors like emotional connection and technique to be far more important than penis size.
  
  

• "A man must always be ready" : The truth is that male sexual desire fluctuates due to stress, health, and other factors. You can’t always be "ready," nor can you expect your body to respond instantly at any given moment.
  
  

• "Good sex depends on performance" : Pleasure isn’t just about erection or duration; it’s rooted in deeper aspects such as connection, communication, and mutual exploration of pleasure.
  
  

These are just three of the most common misconceptions, but breaking free from these and other myths is essential to developing a healthier, more realistic sense of sexual self-esteem.

Psychological strategies to boost confidence in bed

1. Pay attention to your inner dialogue

What does it mean to "talk to yourself"? Even if it sounds strange, our thoughts are constantly sending us messages. Some of these thoughts appear out of nowhere, intrusively, and influence us at the most inconvenient moments.

Negative thoughts like "I won't be good enough" or "I'm going to fail" create anxiety, which ultimately affects performance. One of the best strategies to improve your self-perception and enjoy intimate experiences more is to replace these thoughts with positive affirmations, such as "I am attentive and capable."

2. Practice self-acceptance

Building on the previous point, it's also helpful to accept that no one is perfect in bed and that sex is a shared experience —both partners are responsible for enjoying it, not just you! Acknowledging this can help reduce pressure. Keep one thing in mind: self-confidence doesn’t come from perfect performance but from feeling comfortable with your sexuality and how you express it.

3. Develop erotic intelligence

Psychotherapist Esther Perel (2006) introduced the concept of "erotic intelligence." This refers to viewing sex as a way to be creative, explore, and connect . At first, it may seem like a mystical or abstract idea, but learning about eroticism and pleasure in a way that goes beyond performance and technique can significantly boost confidence. Here are some tips to help with that.

Practical tips to boost sexual self-esteem

1. Improve communication with your partner

One of the most effective ways to reduce anxiety is to talk openly about desires, boundaries, and expectations. The more you share the pressures and responsibilities as a couple, the easier it is to enjoy intimacy without tension . According to a study by Impett, Muise, and Peragine (2014), couples who communicate their sexual needs without difficulty experience higher levels of satisfaction and confidence in their intimacy.

2. Focus on pleasure, not performance

Mark this phrase on your forehead: sex is not an “exam” that you have to pass . If you want to improve your self-confidence and the pleasure you can feel, it's time to enjoy the moment, explore all the sensations and be present in the experience.

3. Take care of your health (inside and out)

Your ability to fully enjoy sex is closely linked to your overall health. You’ve probably heard that regular exercise, a balanced diet, and proper sleep can improve both your performance and sexual desire. But if you want to go even further, the best way to reduce sexual anxiety is by managing stress through meditation or psychological therapy.

4. More control over climax, more pleasure

As mentioned earlier, certain issues in bed can negatively impact male self-esteem . One of the most common dysfunctions affecting climax control and overall well-being is premature ejaculation.

Fortunately, there are climax control solutions like MYHIXEL Control , designed to enhance self-esteem by boosting confidence in sexual performance and ejaculation control. This, in turn, helps reduce anxiety and fear of failure in intimacy. The program includes an 8-week climax control course through the MYHIXEL app, along with the MYHIXEL Device for training. By eliminating the frustration and embarrassment associated with premature ejaculation, men can improve their perception of masculinity and sexual competence

Conclusion

It’s clear that a man's self-esteem directly influences his confidence in bed and the quality of his sexual relationships . To achieve a more satisfying sex life, it's essential to move away from unrealistic myths, improve internal dialogue, and focus on pleasure rather than performance.

However, building healthy sexual confidence is a process that requires self-awareness and practice . The key is to enjoy sex from a freer, more positive perspective—one that prioritizes connection with yourself and your partner.

Sources

• Herbenick, D., Reece, M., Schick, V., Sanders, S. A., Dodge, B., & Fortenberry, J. D. (2010). Sexual behavior in the United States: results from a national probability sample of men and women ages 14-94. The journal of sexual medicine, 7 Suppl 5, 255–265.  https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1743-6109.2010.02012.x  
  
  

• Porst, H., Montorsi, F., Rosen, R. C., Gaynor, L., Grupe, S., & Alexander, J. (2007). The Premature Ejaculation Prevalence and Attitudes (PEPA) survey: prevalence, comorbidities, and professional help-seeking. European urology, 51(3), 816–824.  https://doi.org/10.1016/j.eururo.2006.07.004
  
  

• Impett, E. A., Muise, A., & Peragine, D. (2014). Sexuality in the context of relationships. In D. L. Tolman, L. M. Diamond, J. A. Bauermeister, W. H. George, J. G. Pfaus, & L. M. Ward (Eds.), APA handbook of sexuality and psychology, Vol. 1. Person-based approaches (pp. 269–315). American Psychological Association.  https://doi.org/10.1037/14193-010
  
  

• Perel, E. (2006). Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. HarperCollins.